NEVER SAY NEVER...

MY APOLOGIES EXTENDED to my blogging family. I failed miserably to produce anything in over a year-- GASP! But I have a fantastic excuse - the kind of excuse that flutters eyelashes, walks with a swagger, causes buildings to quake, nipples to shake and erections to rise - YEP, after all my ranting that I would NEVER get married and have children-- when I announced the pregnancy to my soon-to-be father-in-law, he murmured: "That's what you get when you f*** around." Within two weeks, we threw the SHOTGUN WEDDIN' of the century at the Sunset Towers in Los Angeles. It was awesome - the lack of pre-planning meant I didn't have to spend weeks talking "doilies" to professional smilers. It also meant that my husband and I didn't hate each other on the special day. And with a room packed full with Laurel Canyonites - a special breed of artistic weridos - you are guaranteed a wedding like an acid trip, even when you're pregnant and sipping fizzy water. The highlight for me wasn't that Sean Penn complained from his room about our rowdy party, or that I was requested to sit on Mick Jagger's knee in the dining room, or that my husband's vows were the most delicious, perfect poetry to my ears. Nope, the highlight was that I was ROASTED beyond imagining. I don't know many women in their first trimester who could handle having their new in-laws hear about their sordid past - ON A MICROPHONE - especially when it involves sex, drugs, rock'n roll AND imprisonment. Ooops. Hi, I'm your new daughter-in-law and I'm having your grandchild-- Fortunately, my new family welcomed the fact that someone equally insane as their son had accepted him, (genital) warts and all... Ah! LOVE... And that is what I mean to share with all of you out there desperate to meet that special someone... Because there is a wonderful person out there for everyone, it's just a matter of NOT seeking them out. In the realm of love, "Seek and thou shalt find" is a lie that must be dispelled. Don't seek! Relax! Enjoy YOU! Work on becoming a better YOU! Turn to the Divine Unknowable Mystery that breathes all things, and CELEBRATE THE MYSTERY, trusting love to be always already present -- and WHAM BAM THANKYOU MAM!-- that mysterious someone special will appear in your life when you least expect it... I was Qigung-ing at sunset on a hill in Laurel Canyon, when two beastly canines ran straight for me-- the English bulldog farted in my face, the French mastiff slobbered my crotch-- And there, silhoutted, was my soon-to-be soul mate, husband, the father of my future child. Who knew? I didn't! And that is the happiness of allowing zero expectations to govern your life coz... when you least expect it-- WOW!

NEVER SAY NEVER. That was my motto after I left Oxford University at age 20 with a Law degree under my belt, only to wind up in prison a year later. Everything I always swore I would NEVER DO erupted in my life like a series of taunting belches. "I'll never end up in a prison or something bad like that..." (got a minute...)-- "I'll never be a waitress" (a year waiting tables); "I'll never eat Brussel Sprouts" (my husband's favorite food); "I'll never shave off my entire pussy" (a move to California...); "I'll never take it up the butt..." (how could I have been so stupid)... Oh and the best one of all, "I'll NEVER have children in this lifetime!"-- And that was a DEFINITE, "NEVER!".

IN SEPTEMBER 2009, I gave birth to a perfect child, which is a harrowing responsibility for someone with tourettes syndrome. The birth felt almost as gory as passing a watermelon through the sphincter, only more painful-- Did I forget to put passing a watermelon through the sphincter on my list of never say nevers?-- And the girl who used to enjoy the occasional recreational intoxicant refused the drugs, but I did splash out $250 to have my placenta encapsulated, which I nibbled like ecstasy to get me through the month of mestitus. Oh yeah, they don't tell you about that when you're pregnant. We're sold "the beautiful journey is just beginning" LIE!-- Hell is about to crack out of your vagina and you think the pregnancy was a creative ordeal?-- It is time someone like me spoke up about this ghastly reality, because at 3am when your tits feel like broken shards of glass are scraping across them, your nipples are chapped and bleeding, and a tiny squirming head is trying to latch onto what was once a pleasure zone, I can't say "the beautiful journey" was anywhere to be experienced. Moreover, why did no one tell me I would leave hospital wearing a diaper? Is that not something you think women would want to know? I had no idea I would experience a menstral monsoon for five whole weeks following birth. They didn't talk about that in pre-natal yoga classes. Oh no! They were all about "the beautiful journey", "breathing a wide open cervix", "the special soul about to come and enlighten humanity"... Well, I'm gonna start a blog called Reality for Expectant Mums-- Watch this space, coz it aint pretty. After four months of sleep deprivation that BTW is a known torture technique for a reason -- because IT F***S YOU UP -- I stepped out of the dark into the light. It was like night to day that first time she slept through the night.

NEVER SAY NEVER-- I did it. OMG! I reproduced. And for a balding, puking, farting, pissing, gargling little female... thing... She really is an incredible example of stamina. She is opening her own blog in the coming weeks, so please watch this space-- Poppy Q has a lot to share. As for her mother, after the initial hell of feeling like my entire universe had imploded into a bubble of sleep deprived blubber, I mange to work, rest and play, and life couldn't be better. Saying that, I am now an avid supporter of all mums everywhere, for raising a child is by far the hardest thing I have ever encountered. Far more challenging than prison. I'm serious. At least in prison you can read a book, take a shower, finish your cup of tea, play ping pong, watch a fight, and sleep 8 hours. I rest my case.