HORMONE HELL AND HAPPINESS

As I take a deep breath and reflect how life pulled the rug from under me the moment I set foot in Laurel Canyon, Los Angeles, I smile... The kind of smile that shows wrinkles of exhaustion, and the chuffed maturity of having come through a hormone marathon with a torch held high. How do you make a hormone? Give her kids. I did it twice in three years. WTF?

2009-2012. Met hottie. Connection. Love fest. Stray sperm. Ripe egg. Shotgun wedding. First child. Natural birth. Ate placenta. Weird. Sore bits. Left hospital with an ice pack strapped to my snatch and an adult diaper. Got mastitis. Wrote a sci-fi film called 'Darklight'. Director Tarsem calls it 'Star Wars meets Dune'. Started writing an R-Rated comedy called 'The Nipple Nurse'. Love gets milky. Stalking Emily Blunt for lead. Natalie Portman just had a kid. She'll appreciate the dark humor. And she sings. Stalking her too. Writing writing... Sore boobs. Sleep deprived. Founded a Laurel Canyon community daycare. Life changer. Back to work. Meetings. Angels and demons. Writing and rewriting. Phenomenal sex with hubby. Wrong time of month. Ooops. Knocked up and milky. Second child. Natural birth. Flew out in fifty minutes. Hmm. No ice pack. No diaper. Breast feeding every two hours. F**k that. Sleep deprived. Two kids. Hormone hell. Is this it? How can anyone be a stay at home mom? Is it selfish to think this? Will I ever get back in shape? Why am I thinking of anal sex? Daycare for number two. Back to work. Writing. A new movie... 'Hooker Heist'. Reconnected with a good friend who moonlights as a working girl. And a magician at the Magic Castle. Great material. Sleep deprived. Teething is cruel. Terrible two's is torture. Sex with hubby is too good. Got an IUD inserted. Mood-cramp hell for five months. Copper poisoning from IUD. WTF? IUD removed. That was a fortnight ago. And today ladies and gentlemen, I feel a glimpse of the woman I was the day in Laurel Canyon that I met my man. Thank fuck... It is possible to rise from hormone hell, get shit done, and triumph with happiness. Oh and, not forgetting, love your children so much it hurts.

These three years showed me that the balanced, meditative, calm, spiritual, positive, upbeat, globe trotting, comical person I once identified with, can be shaken like a rag doll in a second from the chemical shift of pregnancy, no sleep, and dependents who, two years in, act like terrorists (god forbid if you negotiate...). Yep, if anyone out there is embarking on a journey to enlightenment - which I commend whole heartedly - spend a week with kids. Someone else's or your own. Makes no difference. Overnight it will be reflected, like a cruel mirror, that you've transcended jack... Impatient, frustrated, selfish, angry, intolerant, control freak YOU is going to scream for that mantra and a beach in Thailand as quick as that kid is going to press the next button. I dare you. Oh the joys of being a mother, wife, and writer... My next project will sufficiently reflect the insanity. And on that note, please pass on this missive to expectant moms. Better to tell them the truth...

Dear Expectant New Mom, 


You are about to embark on a hazardous journey. But don't worry, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is called bedtime, baby sitters, and as many intoxicants as you allow yourself on a week night. 


Yours with deep respect and pity. 


And an out-take.

My 2.5 yr old: Mommy?
Me: Yes
My 2.5 yr old: Why does daddy have a peanut?
Me: Because he is male.
My 2.5 yr old: Oh. Can I have one?
Me: No.
My 2.5 yr old stomps foot, pulls grumpy face...
Me: But you can have a pretzel or a slice of apple. Here...
My 2.5 yr old: I don't want a pretzel. I want a peanut.
I hand her an actual peanut.
My 2.5 yr old: What is that?
Me: A peanut.
My 2.5 yr old: Don't tell lies, Momma.


Honestly, you CANNOT win.

Peace. xo